发件人: 孟林 <menglin2801@gmail.com>
主题: 【LGBT邮件组】 想起老万 From thinking of Lao Wan
收件人: "lgbt" <tjgaga@googlegroups.com>, menglin-PLWHAs@googlegroups.com, "cap+论坛" <china-plwha@googlegroups.com>
日期: 2011年2月20日,周日,上午12:30
See the English version below
不知为什么，最近总是感到孤独，又总是想起已经去美国的万延海老师。
在艾滋病圈内，很多人都知道我和万老师有些"积怨"。坦率地说，我确实不是很喜欢他这个人，相信他也一定不是很喜欢我，这当中应该有很多个人性格上的不合。在我们有限的几次直接交往中，我只清楚地记得好多年前，在泰国开会时，万老师请中国去的草根便餐，也邀上了我，席间有人提出希望我们俩握手言和，万老师说，我们俩如果合作了，那就要挨收拾了，我听了会心一笑，因为我们都知道这个"收拾"意味着什么。可能也因此，我们缺少了合作，但是在最根本的问题上我们还是有着最起码的战略默契和策应，比如说在针对政府内外腐朽势力的基本态度上。
其实，我在很多方面还是很佩服万老师的，关于这一点，却很少有人知道。我佩服他始终百折不挠、坚忍不拔地高举公民社会旗帜和捍卫人权的勇气；也佩服他常常能够敏锐地发现政府行政过程中存在的问题，在鼓励弱势人群维护权利方面，万老师也有所贡献。当然，这并不意味着我赞同他的所有做法，比如他在对待草根组织的态度上和在运用人权标准方面总是给我异样的感觉。对于老万的贡献，我其实经常在朋友中提起，熟悉我的人都是知道我态度的。
我进入公民社会领域时间不是很长，且是因着自己求生的欲望走进来的，所以最初根本就没有什么公民社会概念，也没有什么人权意识，只是自己想活下去而已。而恰恰是在这个过程中，在很多老师的教诲和帮助下，也包括与万老师的礼尚往来中，我渐渐认识到了活不下去的障碍，认识到了我不仅仅是一个艾滋病人，更是一个公民，也明白了一个人如果要想有尊严地活下去，只有依靠自己和公民社会的力量，正如《国际歌》中所唱的。
坦率地说，我走到今天，和与万老师的竞争有一定关系，我一直把这种竞争看成民主活动中的演练，这种竞争给我带来一种前所未有的快乐。而现在，他去了美国，这让我时常感到孤单，没有了博弈的乐趣。那感觉，有点像失恋，真的。
最近，因为新一轮全球基金CCM草根组织代表的选举，社区中再次充斥各种声音，其中对我也有批评，我对此坦然接受，觉得这是民主的一部分，有人愿意骂人，不管有理没理，我们都应该听着，这点宽容也是我从和万老师的竞争中学会的。当然这也的确让我感到孤独无助，回想自己前后在全球基金事务上搭进去了将近4年的时间，为了规避一些利益冲突，我所在的机构始终没有申请全球基金项目，也包括中盖项目和国家社会动员项目资金，我们没日没夜地赔钱赔时间赔精力干工作，而我们自己的组织却失去了很多发展的机会，我现在真的觉得很累很累，感到似乎是到了该收山的时候了。
眼下，为了国内各地草根组织能够获得更多的资金支持及可持续发展，我们这届CCM两工委已经成功地借助各种力量迫使全球基金暂停并进入整改，在这与各种政府内外腐朽势力艰难较量的过程中，我很希望社区的朋友们支持我们，也希望包括万老师在内的各位老师的指点和配合，我更希望社区中出现如万老师那般跟政府内外腐朽力量叫板的力量，热切地盼望着有更多社区人士展现出与这些腐朽力量叫板的决心和行动！
写到这里，我想，我终于想清了想念万老师的理由，我由衷地感谢他曾经给我的鞭策，哪怕是责骂。无论如何，我都不能否认自己从万老师身上学到了很多很多东西，它们使我有机会较为深入地参与到艾滋病防治和全球基金事务中来，也使我灰暗的人生多了一点点亮丽，因此，我在此也为自己当年的一些不理智的言行向万老师表示歉意。我真心祝愿远在美国的万老师多多保重，机会成熟就早些回到祖国来，更希望有机会与你一道并肩作战。
From thinking of Lao Wan
I do not know why I always feel lonely recently and always think of Wan Yanhai who had already been in the USA nowadays.
In the HIV/AIDS circle in China, many people know I had some "piled-up grievance" with Wan. Frankly, I really don't like him as a person and I also believe that he for sure doesn't like me. There must be something not matchable in our personal characters. Among our limited direct contacts, I can only remember that many years ago when I was in Thailand for a meeting, Wan invited us from Chinese grassroots groups for dinner. In the dinner, someone suggested that we could forgive and forget the hatchets. Wan replied that if we could have cooperated we would then be "cleared away". I heard it and smiled with tactic understanding since we all knew the meaning of the "cleared away". It might be the reason that we actually have no cooperation. But I know that for the most fundamental issue, we still have the basic strategic understanding and coordinated action, for example, in the basic attitude toward the corrupted forces within and outside the government.
In fact, I actually admire Wan in many aspects, in this aspect I think very few people know about it. I admire his courage to always hold the flag of civil society and safeguard the human rights with perseverance and insistence; I also admire that he had the smart vision to sensitively find out the problems in the administration of the government. In the encouragement of the disadvantaged populations to protect their rights, Wan also contributed a lot. For course, these admirations do not mean that I agree with all of his actions, for instance his attitude in dealing with grassroots organizations and his application of human rights criteria always made me feel unusual. As for Wan's contribution, I actually often mentioned among my friends. Many of my close friends know about it.
I had very short time in the field of civil society. Also I entered into this field due to my survival desire. So in the beginning period, I know nothing about civil society nor the concept of human rights. I was here just for survival. During this process, I was lucky to have some instructions and help from so many teachers, including the courtesy demands reciprocity with Wan. I then generally understand the obstacles stopping me from survival and got to know that I am not just a person living with HIV but a citizen. I later understand if we want to live with dignity we could only rely on ourselves and the force of civil society as it is sung in <the Internationale>.
Frankly, the reason I went today had some connection with the competition with Wan but I always take it as a kind of democratic practice and really enjoy the unprecedented pleasure from it. But now he is away in USA, that made me really feel lonely. I have no pleasure of competition. It is really like lovesick, really.
Recently, due to the coming election of the Global Fund CCM grassroots organization representative, we are in the environment with all kinds of comments again, among them there are also critics to me. I accept them calmly and do feel this is part of the democracy. If someone wants to curse people, no matter it is reasonable or not, we have to listen. I can feel the tolerance is coming from the competition with Wan. Well of course they also made me feel lonely and helpless. I recalled that for the Global Fund I invested about four years in it. In order to avoid the interest of conflicts, the organization that I am in has not applied any projects to the Global Fund, as well as the Gates Foundation and the Social Mobilization Program, all along. We spend our money, our time and our energy to work but lost a lot of chances to develop our own organization. Now I really feel very very tired and also feel it might be the moment to stop.
Right now, in order to create more chances for grassroots organizations across the country to get more money support and sustainable development opportunities, the current CCM NGO working committee and CCM PLWHA Working Committee had successively mobilize all kinds of forces to suspend the implementation of the Global Fund RCC in China and let them change their policy and working approaches. During the hard contesting process with the corrupted forces within and outside the government system, I really expect the friends from our community could support us and more and more instructions and advices from our respected teachers including Wan could support us. I hope more and more people like Wan who could fight against the corrupted forces within and outside the government system will be emerging and more decisive actions could be carried out!
When I am writing here, I believe I am finally clear why I think of Wan. I sincerely thank him for his spurn even scolding on me. In any case, I can not deny that I learnt a lot from Wan that make me get involved deeply in the HIV prevention and treatment as well as in the Global Fund affairs. They also shine more light and color in my dark life. Therefore, here I would like to express my apology to Teacher Wan for my improper word and behavior and wish Wan take care in USA. Once the moment arrive, wish you come back to your motherland and expect the moment to fight side by side with you.
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